Dear Cappy #4 – January, 2016
Seasons Greetings, everyone! (Now I realize that political correctness has practically eliminated the phrase Merry Christmas from our vernacular so that non-christians won’t get offended. But I can assure all of you that there’s no one I’d like to offend more than grownups who worship invisible men and, even worse, the wrong one. I think that by now it should be pretty obvious to everyone that the only true path to salvation is through the almighty Santa Claus. I mean, it’s been right there in plain sight in front of every grocery store. When was the last time Jesus’ scrawny ass picked up a bell and dinged his way into my heart and coin purse? He supposedly died for my sins, but Santa brought me an Atari back in ’82 and hasn’t really let me down ever since. Well, I guess there was that time I decided to sneak downstairs on Christmas Eve when I was 8 to see if he’d eaten the cookies and milk we’d left out for him. I unfortunately discovered that Santa must be lactose intolerant because what I found wasn’t lumpy, and it sure as hell didn’t smell like coal either. He obviously didn’t have time to make it to the bathroom either, since all that was left was a big pair of red pants covered in diarrhea on our kitchen floor with a note attached that said: “Ho, Ho, Ho! I had to borrow a few of your stockings this year after I took a dump in my own! I left some extra toys under the tree!! They should compensate for the damages and bring you years of joy and laughter after you wash all of Santa’s poop off them!! To tell you the truth, I just wouldn’t eat the candy canes I left. Anyway, Merry Christmas!! Ho, Ho, Ho!!” Looking back now, my dad’s handwriting should’ve l been a dead giveaway, and he was known to sleepwalk and take a shit in the kitchen once or twice a week. But that little extra effort made the holiday season seem so wondrous and magical to me as a youngster. So like I said earlier, Jesus can suck it.)
Well it’s that time of year again, when it ends, and when expensive obligations arise disguised as vacations, and of course when those relatives who are unable to guilt trip us into hanging out with them begin to flood our mailboxes with unbelievably boring and religiously off-putting newsletters about themselves and their families. But somehow they still think it’s worth a stamp to tell me that somebody I don’t know has married someone I’ll never meet and that they’ve managed to spawn children who will most likely grow up and start sending my children their stupid fuckin newsletter every December. Not that I think everybody should lead off their yearly newsletter with a story about Santa Claus pooping his pants, but you’ve gotta gimme a stronger plot line than People are existing, working, and multiplying in order to justify occupying my attention while I’m on the can.
Speaking of multiplying, we added a new member to the Caparulo family in 2015. Madden Jae Caparulo was born just before midnight on May 22nd. It’s hard to believe that a year ago at this time, our little bundle of joy was merely a glob of jizz inside my wife’s cooter. But the miracle of life continues to shine through our beautiful little girl. Word must have traveled fast as nurses from other local hospitals began showing up to get a look at the new golden child in our midst. Madden kept them all entertained with her adorable brand of cooing and card tricks throughout the night. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise having nurses on hand from nearby medical centers because the nursing staff at Tarzana Medical Center had their hands full already being a pack of bull dike twats all weekend. One of them actually suggested to me that my wife had misspelled her own name on her intake forms rather than entertain any notion of a data entry mistake. She didn’t think she was so smart though after I went and kidnapped her husband and forced him to perform oral sex on some homeless guys from the park. But then I didn’t feel so smart when I found out she wasn’t married. I just let the guy go after that. Crazy few days, I guess. But what’s important is that we have a healthy, happy new daughter at home now. And a couple of the homeless guys still haven’t left. There’s a pervasive mixture of gin, vomit, and dirty diapers in the air that makes eating inside our house nearly impossible. Madden keeps herself busy with crying and competing in baby pageants. She was actually crowned Little Miss Piss Pants in a contest before we left the hospital. I took third.
What with all the economic hardship that still exists all around us, I guess we’re very fortunate when I consider the fact that we have 2 fat dogs at home. Barney and Scobie both turned 9 in 2015. Scobie is an aspiring romance novelist who keeps busy by dancing in the church choir. Barney enjoys finding gross things in our back yard to eat, and he keeps busy by bullying teenaged cats online.
Jamie and I are approaching our 4th wedding anniversary and plan to celebrate it by being disappointed in me for not planning ahead. On top of managing my comedy career and being Madden’s primary caregiver, Jamie is also her primary food source, as she is breastfeeding our daughter. To be perfectly honest, there have been several nights when she just doesn’t have the energy to cook, and I’ve been forced to suckle my dinner, but it’s given Madden and me some great bonding time. And the homeless guys waiting in line behind us don’t seem to ruin the moment somehow.
For those of you might be interested, I am finally going to sell off most of my wig collection this year. With a new baby, we need the space, and no new father needs more than half a dozen bouffants at one time. Other than that, I keep myself busy by learning to play the flute and committing strong-armed robberies around the neighborhood. I know it sounds like an odd combination, but nobody ever expects to get jacked by a flautist. So I come prancing along, looking like every other tooter out there, and then it’s time for the residents at the retirement home to start coughing up more than 30-year-old phlegm. Now I haven’t exactly been successful with this plan so far, but that’s just because I keep eating cookies and milk before I leave the house. So nobody’s actually been robbed yet, but the staff at the facility has had to clean up quite a few messes involving diarrhea and bouffant wigs. So I think I’m making a lotta progress toward my ultimate goal of clinical insanity.
Happy New Year, Motherfuckers!!
John’s Christmas newsletter isn’t quite like great-aunt Sheryl’s, but it parallels her yuletide topics of diarrhea, robbery, and force-feeding the homeless….Glad we could close out this memorable year on a high note! Coming up in 2016 is the Mad’s Dad Tour packed full of new-dad stories and struggles!! He’ll be making stops in Baltimore, Nashville, Indianapolis, St Louis, Wilmington, DE, Glenside, PA, Tampa, FL, and three stops in the Chicago area…tickets for these shows are available now on JohnCaparulo.com/shows!
From April through next December he’ll be heading to Columbus, Detroit, Naples, FL, Albany, Minneapolis, Houston, Ft Lauderdale, Cincinnati, Dallas, Tacoma, Charlotte, Red Bank, NJ, Englewood, NJ, Pittsburgh, Syracuse, Boise and more…tickets for these shows will be on sale at least 4 weeks in advance.
As always, I’ll be holding a pair of tickets for each show for Love Letter’s From Cap receivers. Email me (EffinSweetProductions@gmail.com) or send me a message on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter (@Jamie_Caparulo or @JohnCaparulo) and I’ll let you know if they’re still available. John brings an opener every show; usually Mark Ellis or Byron Bowers. They’re both incredibly talented, extremely hilarious, and super nice guys. I hope you’ll enjoy them as much as we do! You can check out their work on youtube and follow them on social media: Mark is @5150Ellis and Byron is @ByronBowers…
John does not bring merch with him to sell after shows. That said, if you’d like to buy something (hat/shirt/DVD+CD/koozie/pre-stained underwear) from JohnCaparulo.com/shop to wear or bring to the show he will happily sign it at the free after-show meet and greet. Yes, 99.9% of the time there is a meet and greet unless the venue has time constraints or security issues, which very rarely happens! Use coupon code “SHIPPING” to knock off the $5 shipping charge. This free shipping code will not expire, please feel free to use it whenever.
I hope you’re still watching and enjoying Caplets!…We’ve been putting these monthly doses out for 2 years now! If you haven’t yet, please subscribe so you’ll be notified when each episode is available: Youtube.com/CaparuloCaplets. Is anyone still listening to Domestic Disputes? I know we’ve dropped off to barely once a month now; I apologize for being lazy, but the trouble of setting up the equipment to podcast with the baby is a daunting task. I mean, it’s January 3rd and I’m finally emailing a Christmas newsletter, does the plight of plugging in 2 mics really surprise you?…
Hope you had a tremendous holiday season and a very happy new year!