Dear Cappy #5 – January, 2017

January 22nd, 2017

Hey everybody, I’d like to wish all of my fans a Happy New Year. 2017 will mark my 20th year in standup comedy. It really is crazy to look back and see how far I’ve come, not just in body weight but also in mileage.
I can remember June 2, 1997, almost like it was yesterday. Granted, I can’t remember yesterday all that well, but I’ll fudge my way through this story well enough to make it seem relatively authentic. At the time, I was still a student at Kent State, majoring in Virginity with a minor in Student Loan Payments, and I was actually living in a government housing project. It wasn’t that I was all that destitute, but my roommate was incredibly cheap and somehow talked me into this horrendous idea. I mean, who the hell wants to live next door to a sorority house when you can live next door to domestic violence instead and save yourself almost 30 bucks a month?? What a deal!! Don’t get me wrong— my roommate and I are still friends to this day, but I’d still like to punch him right in the mouth if I didn’t think he’d beat the piss out of me afterward. Dan’s a good guy though. I’m sure he’d drive me to the hospital after the fight as long as I paid half for gas.
Anyway, graduation day was drawing closer and closer, and my care-free college days of keg parties and drive-by shootings would soon be over. And since becoming an Uber driver wasn’t a viable option back then, I was gonna have to figure out another way to waste my education. I actually did send out some resumés and even got a few calls from employers. But back in those days, nobody seemed to wanna hire someone who didn’t wanna work for them and farted during the interview. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Everybody farts when they’re on the toilet. But the lady interviewing me said, “That’s NOT a toilet!!” So I said, “I should probably leave then.” She agreed with me on that but still wasn’t willing to offer me a salary position because of it. Then after I finished wiping, she refused to validate my parking ticket, which turned out to not be a problem anyway since I had jogged to the interview in the first place. Man, I sure did feel silly after that!
All of this madness proved to be a very valuable wake-up call. I knew I was kidding myself with the idea of joining the same old button-down, 9 to 5, jogging to work life that most of my friends were gravitating toward after college. I knew that all I ever saw myself doing besides pooping my pants was talking about it in front of strangers. The previous 4 years, as well as the 5th one I was about to add on, had essentially been a waste of time. It had also been an expensive waste of time, but I figured those student loan people wouldn’t bother with someone like me. I thought they only cared about the people who planned on paying them back, but I seemed to have been mistaken. Apparently this whole “free country” saying didn’t mean what I thought it did, and I found out the hard way that it’s only free for those who can afford it.
So I started going to some open mic nights while I fulfilled my end of the sharecropping agreement I reached with Chase-Manhattan. Once they released me back into the wild again, I headed straight for Los Angeles. There was no GPS at the time, so I think I spent a few years in Delaware or some place like that. But once I hit Hollywood, it was a dream come true. I actually get night terrors, so that wasn’t exactly a good thing. Yet I managed to fight through all the culture shock, competition, and traffic that make LA the polished turd that everyone loves so much, and I never looked back. I knew that this was all I’d ever wanted to do with my life, and I couldn’t afford to get back to Ohio. So here I am.
Finally, I suppose the obvious question is: Would I do it all again if I had the chance?
Knowing what I know now, I can honestly say Probably. But considering the fact that I’ve gotten to live this improbable dream of making people laugh for a living and that it all lead me to meeting my wife, Jamie, and having our daughter, Madden, I can say unequivocally that I sure as hell am glad that I did.
As fate would have it (or more likely bad luck, but either way), my 20-year standup anniversary will see the launch of my animated project, called Cartoon Comic. I most likely made that promise last year and even the year before. But gimme a break — it’s a cartoon, and I can’t draw! So it took a while to assemble the team I have working on this thing, but I can honestly say it’s the biggest thing I’ve ever done. I know it’s the one artistic venture that this whole journey has been leading up to since 1997. Plus it’ll validate how much time I spend watching The Simpsons. So look for Cartoon Comic in 2017 as well as more installments of Caplets. We might even get around to recording more Domestic Disputes if Jamie can bear to talk to me for that long at one sitting.
Take care, everyone. And thank you.

Hi there!
I, too, would say “Happy New Year” but I’m now typing this weeks after I nagged my husband to write his portion. So “Happy 6 Weeks After The Fact!?”. The “Mad’s Dad Tour” is continuing with stops in Los Angeles, St. Louis, Milwaukee & Green Bay, Wisconsin, Columbus & Cincinnati, Ohio, Nashville, Lexington, Spokane, WA, Tampa & Palm Beach, Florida, Buffalo, Syracuse, & Albany, New York, and Plano, Dallas, Fort Worth, & San Antonio,Texas. As soon as the venue releases tickets on their website, I upload them to and post notices on John’s social media accounts (please like/follow/stalk). I usually have about 10 tickets to give away each weekend, and I want to distribute them to you! That said, I have a toddler to potty-train, so I can’t spend a quadrillion hours like I have in the past trying to decipher which show you’re asking for free tickets. My to-do list grows faster than I can scratch off my dones. I don’t have a secretary, a personal assistant, or a Mary Poppins floating through my window anytime soon, and my husband still thinks waking up at noon qualifies as “getting an early start” on his day. So I’m begging you, if you’d like to be added on our guest list for any of these shows (excluding Columbus, Ohio…sorry, our families hog those tickets…take it up with them at the free after-show meet and greet!) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE email me with these details 1.Your Name, they’ll ask to see an ID at the box office / Will Call! 2. the City + Venue (There are many “Funny Bones”…which one!) 3. the Date of the show! 4. the Time of the show you’d like to see! This information can be found on Please email me this information ( and I’ll hold two free tickets for you!
In other news!…we now have a store on TeePublic (! Our friend Gabriel (who’s extremely talented and working with us to bring “Cartoon Comic” to life) has some great Cap designs (Mad’s Dad Tour, Domestic Disputes, Cap’s jokes) that are awesome and inexpensive. John has also chosen some of his favorite designs from the site and we’ve added them to our store. If you’ve seen John wear a shirt recently that you like, it’s most likely from TeePublic. What’s great about this site is that you’re able to choose the shirt type, color, and level of softness. They also have mugs, phone cases, and kid size apparel. TeePublic often has sales and I’ll post about them on Facebook, twitter, and instagram. is another location to buy Cap merch! Here you can find autographed DVDs + CDs, hats, shirts, koozies ect. Use coupon code “Shipping” for free shipping!
As always, we appreciate you subscribing and sharing Caplets. If you haven’t checked them out yet, please do so. John has performed about 5 hours of material that you can watch for free on The mp3s are available to purchase on iTunes:
We really appreciate your support. I hope you can make it to a show this year. And I’m insanely excited for you to see Cartoon Comic, soon!

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