Dear Cappy #2 – July, 2015
I’ve been a father for about 3 months now. Jamie gave birth to our healthy, beautiful, and fairly adorable little girl. All through the pregnancy, people (mostly fathers) kept telling me that I’ll “understand when I hold my baby for the first time” what it means to love someone so deeply and unconditionally. I was normally receptive to their advice, but the ones who insisted on rubbing my back while they imparted this wisdom kinda destroyed their messages in the process. I don’t think those guys really wanted to talk about fatherhood anyway. Come to think of it, I doubt that any of them even had children, or at least none that were with them in the airport restroom at the time.
Speaking of ass rape, I turn 40 this year, so that means my ass will inevitably have to encounter its 4th visitor. The first 2, my right middle and ring fingers, have remained regular visitors, but my left hand has been able to avoid the scene altogether due to its lack of coordination and therefore uselessness in regard to butt wipe. The last visitor was, of course, a rock. When I was 6 or 7 years old, my dad saw how much his kids wanted their own swimming pool, so he gave us the next best thing— a plastic tarp on a hillside that served as a makeshift Slip-N-Slide. (Makeshift: adj.; adaptable under specific circumstances; half-assed; shitty) However, he neglected to conduct a thorough land survey before draping his boat cover over the embankment. And, on my first slide down the hill, I ran over a rock that had been poking its head out of the ground. Whenever people ask me how it felt, I always tell them it felt like sliding down a tarp and getting a rock up my ass.
So anyway, I was talking about the whole magical fatherhood moment when I held my daughter for the first time. I can honestly say that it was an experience like no other, but I think the details of that experience vary from father to father. At the end of the day, we are who we are. After a very scary emergency C-section and a barrage of rude and invasive tests performed on my crying, 6-pound daughter, I had to fly solo into what’s called The Golden Hour, in which the newborn and the parents embrace each other skin-to-skin (or half naked). When I picked up my little Sweet Pea for the first time and held her to my bare chest, she immediately stopped crying. That was an incredible feeling that, all in one motion, I fully understood who my little girl is and how much she needs me to help her get through this life. Then I remembered that I was sitting in a public place with no shirt on and a baby trying to drink from my nipple. I also remembered what a goon squad the Tarzana nursing staff had been, like we’d just delivered a baby at Shawshank Penitentiary. I also noticed that the Golden Hour was more like 15 minutes in a chair that smelled like a golden shower. I also noticed that the hospital staff was miraculously able to pull all of this off on Friday night, going into a 3- day weekend. So suddenly, I was me again. And I was Madden’s one-man welcome- to-Earth commitee. “Hello, Madden. I’m your dad. The dizzy lady with the big milk bags on her chest is your mom. Everybody else is a douchebag. Get used to it.”
Hi, it’s the “dizzy lady with the big milk bags” here:
Thank you for the kind messages on twitter, facebook, and Instagram regarding Madden. I love sharing pictures of her and details of being a clueless parent on Domestic Disputes and the Caplets’ ReCap. I’m lacking sleep and brain power so I’ll keep this email sweet and simple and just break down the updates…
CAPLETS is now on episode 20! If you haven’t yet, check them out…each “dose” is 5-15 minutes of new, monthly standup from John available for free on Youtube.com/CaparuloCaplets
DOMESTIC DISPUTES: a raw podcast about marital banter between the two of us (and the occasional barking dogs and crying baby) that we record from home. If you have a question for us, tweet it to @Caparulo and we’ll answer them on the show! 43 episodes are already available on iTunes, SoundCloud, and AllThingsComedy.com; we post approximately 1-3 a month.
THE STORE: I’m turning 30 on August 9th! Receive 30% off everything on JohnCaparulo.com/store with the promo code “LEO” during the entire month of August!
If you’d like merchandise personally autographed, please write a note in the “comment to seller” section when checking out. And feel free to bring already purchased merch to a show, he’ll gladly sign anything (body parts excluded) during the free after-show Meet & Greet.
TOUR: After a 12 week paternity stay, he’s resuming the tour schedule in August. Tickets are available for DENVER, FT. LAUDERDALE, KANSAS CITY, SYRACUSE, ATLANTA, CLEVELAND, and JACKSONVILLE on JohnCaparulo.com/shows. This Fall/Winter he’ll also be heading to Cincinnati, Austin, West Palm Beach, Omaha, Lexington, Tempe…tickets will become available soon!
If you’re in Los Angeles, John performs at the Hermosa Beach Comedy and Magic Club the 3rd Tuesday of every month.
Hope you can make it to a show!
Jamie Caparulo…and Barney, Scobie Jae, and Madden Jae
December 17, 2016 at 7:24 pm, Daniel said:
“I’m your dad. The dizzy lady with the big milk bags on her chest is your mom. Everybody else is a douchebag. Get used to it.”
June 30, 2017 at 2:45 pm, P.Milbourn said:
So many emotions in this story. Hilarious & heart warming. I’m looking forward to seeing your show tonight!
Congratulations on being a dad – two years ago! lol – Love it: Whenever people ask me how it felt, I always tell them it felt like sliding down a tarp and getting a rock up my ass.