Dear Cappy #7 – February, 2018
Hey everybody. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. And if it isn’t, maybe it’s time for you to get the fuck outta the woods. But anyway, this ain’t another christmas card, so let’s get on with it.
First of all, I wanna thank all of you for watching Unsportsmanlike Comedy with Rob Gronkowski on Showtime. It was an honor to perform on the same lineup with such legitimate heavy hitters as Finesse Mitchell, Jay Larsen, and Juston McKinney, as well as a comedy legend like Lenny Clarke.
Needless to say, Gronk is a really cool guy. And for somebody who’d never done standup before that show, I thought he did pretty well. I mean let’s face it— Rob Gronkowski is a hell of a lot better at telling jokes than I am at playing Tight End. He’s a 2-time Super Bowl Champion on his way to The Hall Of Fame in a few years, and I got cut from Pop Warner.
Sure, I was in a no-win situation with that team, competing for a spot against the coach’s daughter. But I’m man enough to admit that, wheelchair or no wheelchair, that little girl was the best man for the job. And maybe I just wasn’t ready to play football at that level when I was 38. Maybe I shoulda just let the poor kid have her Make-A-Wish moment. Maybe I shouldn’t have kidnapped her goldfish. Maybe it’s my fault she’s in the wheelchair. Who the hell knows? But this ain’t another court-appointed AA meeting, so let’s get back to comedy.
After 45 episodes of Caplets, we’ve decided to take a short break to focus a little heavier on Cartoon Comic. I know it probably seems like I’ve just been blathering on and on for the past 3 years about a project that never actually seems to materialize. If you’re one of the people who sees it this way, I want you to know that I totally understand your point of view and that you can kiss my dick.
Animation is a bitch!! It’s a painfully slow, unbelievably difficult, offensively expensive bitch!! (Kinda sounds like ME the more I think about it.)
This whole process would be a hell of a lot easier if I myself could DRAW. But I can’t even pull off decent hieroglyphics. And believe me, I’ve tried!!
Once when I was a younger man, I decided to apply to one of those art schools that ask you to submit a drawing of a pirate. The best I could do ended up looking more like a treasure map, but I submitted it anyway since I figured that was kinda in the same wheelhouse with the pirate. Instead of a rejection letter, they sent a couple guys in white coats to apprehend me and have me institutionalized.
They kept me under observation at the hospital for about a week, but it felt more like 10 days. I entertained myself by drawing stick figures on the wall with my own feces. I mean, they gave me crayons, but I just figured my poop was funnier. I think it was my poop anyway. None of the other prisoners seemed to wanna talk to me very much. That kinda struck me as odd behavior until I figured out the mental hospital I was in had actually been the art school I’d applied to in the first place.
I sure did feel ridiculous at that point. My parents were really mad at me, mainly because I’d flunked out of DeVry the exact same way the year before that. It was humiliating having to move right back into their house again, under a strict curfew, doing chores, and sleeping in a race car bed. I passed the time by writing my first comedy bits on my bedroom wall with my poop.
But anyway, this ain’t some nonsensical plea for attention. Wait, that’s exactly what it is. So I hope you enjoyed it. See you soon, everybody. Have a great 2018!!